Made With Intention

What an interesting choice to make! Honestly, it can feel like so much is riding on this one decision, but in reality, it is only one of many. For me, it was also one of the more fun parts of the process because it made everything feel more tangible. Up until then, it had been tests, protocols and numbers. Now, there was a real human directly involved in the outcome of my future child.

I browsed several sperm banks to understand how the platforms worked and to familiarize myself with the terminology — open ID, ICI, ICSI, and so on. It was fascinating! It felt a little like swiping on dating apps and a bit like window shopping…for sperm.  It seemed like the kind of thing that should be done with girlfriends over wine & giggles, on a big screen, making an event out of it.

I told myself I would not subscribe to any of the banks until I was actually at the stage of decision-making. I didn’t want to select donors beforehand and risk creating fantasy babies and imagined outcomes in my head, only to later find out we were not genetically compatible.

What worked for me was compartmentalizing each step and only investing in the stage I was actively in. I completed my genetic screening bloodwork and once the results were back, I began my serious search. Having more data made for a more efficient and grounded search.

The three main banks I explored were California Cryobank, Seattle Sperm Bank, and Fairfax Cryobank (search online for promo codes).

I was surprised and grateful to learn that some banks offer adult photos, audio interviews, personal essays, and even lifetime photos. I did not have to choose based solely on baby photos and statistics. I could see who the cute babies actually grew up to become. Spoiler alert: the cuteness factor did not always carry into adulthood! So having access to adult photos quickly became a priority for me, which narrowed down the list of banks.

While I wanted a donor whose features would blend naturally with mine and my family’s, I was also intentional about diversifying my gene pool. I considered height, build, appearance, education, and most importantly, personal and family medical histories. Genetic compatibility with my own screening results was of the highest priority.

What ultimately set one donor apart was his audio interview. Hearing him speak humanized him. He seemed values-driven and purpose-oriented, and he worked in service of his community, like me. He appeared to hold values similar to mine. His voice, his cadence, and the way he expressed himself made him feel like a real person rather than a profile filtered by statistics and checkboxes.

He felt like someone I would naturally get along with, someone I would have gone on a date with. I found myself intrigued and wanting to know more about him. Not that it truly mattered, because seeking a romantic partnership was not the purpose of this search. But the familiarity and comfort that came with the sense of a “match” made the choice easier. It felt intentional, almost like choosing someone who would become part of the family, even if only genetically.

I made the decision privately first. Only once I was certain did I share my choice with friends and family. Yes, the idea of a viewing party and a wine night with girlfriends sounded fun, but it was important for me to arrive at the decision on my own. I wanted it to be guided by my own judgment and intuition, without anyone else’s influence.

When I was ready, I FaceTimed my loved ones and shared my screen, showing them photos, background information, and explaining why I had chosen him. I got to share the news and celebrate over and over again, and each time my decision felt more solid. My people were excited. My sweet mom congratulated me and then took a moment to also congratulate herself on her future grandchild!

Now that there was a fuller picture for them to imagine, the process became more real for everyone. We started talking about timelines and expectations, and it all began to feel closer and more tangible.

I also realized that this is an unusual situation for families. You are introducing someone who will be the biological father of your child and therefore a relative, yet they will never meet him. It is like bringing someone home and not bringing them home at the same time, leaving everyone with only an idea of who he is.

Because of that, it is important to allow your loved ones some grace as they process the situation. For them, it can feel distant or abstract. For you, it is as real as it gets. You are the one living inside this decision, which is why it is so important that you feel secure in the intentional choices you are making. You do not need to justify or defend your choice to anyone, just as you didn’t need to justify your decision to pursue motherhood on your own terms in the first place.

In the end, this was not about finding the perfect person. It was about making a thoughtful, informed choice and trusting myself to stand by it.